goodbye tumblr. i’m going back to my first love.

you know, that guy xanga.

i’d tell you why but, no offense, you wouldn’t understand.

cheers to good times though <3
thanks for stickin’ around yo!

love,
grace zhang  

http://withgracee.xanga.com/

j.d. salinger passed away two days ago. i’m going to reread “the catcher in the rye” in honorary remembrance of what a great writer he is. his descriptions remind me of my favorite dynamic duo of books/authors, which also reminds me of the little prince, which reminds me of the junie b. jones series that i came across today in a random corner heap that brought back sudden summer flashbacks of walking the five minutes to the library with that little pink hello kitty bag that marjorie’s mom gave me four summers ago… which, in turn, evoked an image of water slides and asking whether or not the moon stalked us on certain trips home when i lived in chicago. except we weren’t really living in chicago at the time but actually in indianapolis which i found out years later. i felt like i was lied to during all my youth afterwards but it was probably just a horrible memory recollection on my part.

hm… not necessarily in that order though.

but point being, salinger, coolest recluse ever if you ask me. speaking of which, i reclused myself over at barnes and noble today with johnny and read all day. this is how i am spending my break off so far.

and “reclused” (the verb) isn’t actually a word. i think it should be though. decker was saying how if a word was used enough in formal writing, it’d eventually make it’s way into the dictionary. it’s pretty cool that ordinary people can have that influence. the word “blog” was introduced that way. not in formal writing of course, but for random appearances here and there.

by the way, i saw the word “vim” on a pack of viagra-esque pills today. it made me smile. now we know for sure that it’s a word! haha. oh viagra.

what a bad day.

kinda like two christmases ago after an ice skating trip battling the cold to travel an hour only to hear some honestly. or that time i cried forever because i was waiting pathetically for a response on halloween. or that day when my grandpa told me not to touch the metal shavings cause they only make pretty jewelry unless i didn’t mind bleeding to death on the machine shop floor. yeah, like all those just rolled into one immense celebration of misery.

i think i’m going to start my a heartbreaking work of staggering genius paper.. which kind of reminds me of the unbearable lightness of being paper that i still need to outline. 
 
cause if anything can make me feel better right now, it’s working hard on something. 

the real question though, does everyone struggle with this, or is it just me? or are they all just better at covering it up and accepting it as part of them? maybe i’m just bad at it. or maybe i simply refuse to. hmm, perhaps. i don’t know.

i feel like there’s a huge decision that should be made amidst screaming people and fireworks but instead i’m easing into it. stepping slowly.. like testing cold pool water with the tip of my toe.

it’s so not my style.
i’m usually the cannonball.

i’m going to try to reproduce part of last night’s awesome conversation.

andrew: don’t you just hate that? i really hate that. boys are so pathetic sometimes. i don’t even like admitting i am one.
me: trust me, it’s exactly the same with girls. maybe it’s a human thing.
andrew: yeah, really. that’s really just the worst thing to be sometimes. we should introduce ourselves, “hi, i’m human. hence, i’m pathetic…sorry.”

cannondi5: are you enjoying your senior year?
abcdefgracez: yeahhh it’s pretty awesome!
abcdefgracez: i’m so over high school though. so done
abcdefgracez: high school and i are over
abcdefgracez: we broke up
cannondi5: haha xD
cannondi5: was it bitter? or did you guys end on a good note?
abcdefgracez: well you know, high school, or HS as i fondly call him, he begs for me to come back sometimes.. late night drunk dialing, you know the drill
abcdefgracez: but i’m like nah man, i’m moving on to better things
abcdefgracez: poor little guy
abcdefgracez: we had some grand ol’ times together though
cannondi5: rofl!! well, this guy college. he’s interested in you!!
cannondi5: so you can always go for him xD
abcdefgracez: yea, he has a great sense of humor and he’s quite a charm
abcdefgracez: but i’m not emotionally available right now
cannondi5: ROFL! xD
abcdefgracez: i’ll think i’ll wait till late august
cannondi5: HAHAHA

its one of those days i could actually get a lot of stuff done.. or at least make plans and do something productive with life but instead my excuse is that i’m too tired.

i feel kind of useless lately. nothing is thought provoking. nothing is stirring. it’s all just more of the same patterns and patterns inside patterns of repeating patterns.

i hope wherever i live next is insanely different. give me culture shock. give me crazy people. give me disaster. give me art. give me inspiration. madness. originality. diversity. something else. give me stuff to do with my hands and my heart. they’re rusting.

johnny and i were talking about proposal ideas last night and he told me about this guy who proposed to his girlfriend in disney world through a musical. i was so happily astounded by the idea. so original and so charming.

i would really love it if life were a musical.

if people sang songs with lyrics that came from the heart to tell a story. or if people actually told each other they loved one another through song and dance instead of words that sometimes, just don’t seem quite good enough.

“i love you.”

how do you put any more meaning into that than “i love caesar salad”?

heh. i do love caesar salad though!

see?

this is my 200th tumblr post!

i’ve been thinking a lot about prayer lately. it really does seem like people’s prayers for me are the only thing that keeps me alive and okay these days even when i don’t know they’re doing it, yeh know?

it’s like, when someone says they’ll pray for me, i always expect that they will and it always means so much to me even if i don’t know if they’ll forget or not.

i haven’t even given remotely worthy appreciation to that until last week when conversation with kim made me realize something.

hmm. more about this later.

i would like to make a tribute to the great and wonderful helen decker. i wonder if she has any idea what a far-reaching effect she has on her students. i’m a senior in high school and i’ve experienced my fair share of good teachers and yet my senior year ap lit teacher is practically a god to me.

my mom and i were talking about careers last night and she asked whether i’d chose a good paying job that i despised over a wonderful job that didn’t pay well and to her surprise, i chose the latter option. i went on to explain how i’d be spending immeasurable amounts of time at my job and how i’d much rather do something i love and enjoy my time there than suffer in what seems to be eternal boredom. i told her that if i didn’t at least somewhat like my job, i couldn’t possibly do it well because i’d be so consumed with other things.

like for decker, she teaches because she loves to and it’s her passion.

decker would always tell us things that somehow boiled down to passion. she would say that if we weren’t passionate about anything, we’d end up never discovering who we really were. that we’d live a life of being scared to chase our dreams just because they seemed too far-fetched. it wouldn’t be fair but we’d only have ourselves to blame because all we really needed was just a slight push that we never gave ourselves. then she’d walk around the room and look every one of us directly in the eye as if she just told us something really sacred and she’d expect us all to never forget. and we probably won’t.

i remember the time i went to her for advice about my idea for my college essay because it was such a risky and different approach that i wanted to hear what she had to say about it first. she made me question my optimistic views so much that i was almost on the brink of changing my mind but i never did. in the end, she turned around and reassured me that it was brilliant idea and that she only wanted to see how much i believed in my own idea because i had to be passionate and confident enough to write something amazing.

she used to spend a lot of time talking to us about intelligence and ethics and how there had to be a healthy balance between the two for ultimate success. she stressed the importance of manners, and that you can have all the money in the world and own great things but if you didn’t have manners, you’d never be well respected in society.

she’d always remind us how we didn’t need to incorporate big words in our writing to impress our readers and that occasionally, simple words portrayed our points better because being really caught up in using really elaborate words often times dismissed the purpose of our initially presented idea. 

i remember when she made us all hand in a copy of our final college essays just so she could read it line by line and write little comments everywhere for further improvement. i had already sent my essay out but i was so sure that it was perfect and error free but she still managed to find little things here and there that would have improved my essay immensely.

on occasion, she’d spend class time to ask to us about our days, weekends, resolutions, or college news because she cared about knowing us on a personal level as well as on an academic level. when we didn’t understand confusing plots, she’d draw little stick figures on the board to explain characters and their effecting roles on the overall theme and their relations to one another. when she made a hamlet ghost demonstration scene or secret santa exchange in the dark, she’d always turn the half lights on first. that way, the sudden light wouldn’t hurt our eyes.

i think that’s what we’ll all remember most about decker.

some kids almost cried in class today. decker almost cried too. i wouldn’t be surprised if any of us did.

haha and to think she swims with dolphins and wears 3-inch dorothy shoes to school :)

i remember two christmases ago when mom’s last boyfriend was staying over, we were all looking up at the stars on a clear night and the stars were strangely really visible. he was saying how he wanted to live in the country because star gazing would just be a lot more exciting and how he doesn’t like people enough to live in a city.

i’m the opposite. i mean, i love nature and the idea of sunrises every morning and being able to stars every night and all, but i just love different people too. seeing someone on the street and just knowing something about their life by only their appearance, it’s interesting.

there was this one time i was in the city with brian and his mom and we were all just pushing through crazy crowds of people and in the quickest flash, we all noticed this guy in his sixties or older. his hair was completely white and styled in a mohawk sort of thing that resembled a funky unicorn horn. he wore worn punkish/rockish attire complete with chains and studded accessories and a pair of glossy pink rain boots.

we were all so happily confounded by this old man at first glance and we just kept staring at him even when he was nearly halfway down the street.

i mean, seriously, how did that guy turn out that way? was he always a rebel? was he a totally happy legal/corporate slave until he turned sixty and just decided “eff it, i’m living my life”? did he merely wake up and think “hey, i’m going to do something bizarre today”? or was he only doing an experiment to try to understand today’s generation?

there are so many possibilities and in cities, you see hundreds of them every day. hundreds of lives made of hundred of choices and odds. it’s cool to know that just by simply existing, you could be raising questions in someone else’s mind.

i like that… so much that it’s even worth sacrificing stars for.

i just read this completely time fitting and comforting chinese proverb!

“an invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet regardless of place, time, or circumstance. the thread may tangle or stretch but it will never break.”

..or something along those lines but i think that was a successful paraphrase.

i love it!

by the way, i had an amazing birthday!!! even better than my 8th when i got a scooter which was a big deal then too. you guys are all amazing, really!

Grace Zhang <3

jaimemixtapes:

So Grace,

Remember how you wanted a tumblr post. I think this is the right time. :D

First off, Happy Birthday RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ( imagine streamers and confetti and loud happy music)

I know ive said this many and plenty of times. but. im really glad we met this year and got to know each other so well. Better late than never right? I love our bonding sessions in the wee hours of the morning, they make me happy. and I never want them to end. You always make me feel comfortable

You are soo soo loving, and amazing, and wonderful. I feel like im probably a bit like you sophomore year from what little I know ( which has to change!) I look up to you, cause even though no one ever has anything in order, you seem to be very level headed. You make my day without even knowing it.

Im super excited for all the bonding that is to be in the future. YOUR 18 NOW!!!!!!!! meanin so many more experiences to talk about and live through. Its the beginning of your somewhat adult life. Your time to shine. Not that you dont shine brightly everyday of your life.

I think your an amazing writer, and what goes on in your mind is truly special. I hope everyone knows that. You are quite the fun, cute, amazing baker, thats always there.

Just know, that im always here for you too! I love you looots loooots looots. yes even in the short time that i have gotten to know you!

I really shouldnt be getting writers block. but ive never been good at like writing birthday cards and all that. I do wish you all the best in life.  I hope this year stands out as one of the best. You deserve it!

from your most favorite underclassman

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_Nz9B1XFio

yes its clique. but. HAPPPPPPYY BIIIRRTHHDAY

awwww! this made me smile. you’re so sweet! :)

i hate waking up before the dream is over. it’s just, i don’t want to go back to a world that reflects movie moments as the pinnacles of existence. i’ve had those and really, they’re wonderful and all but unfortunately they don’t make a life.

and you know what? i’ve been trying lately to remember how i felt at a distant time and place, just incorporating everything around me to relive those and nothing is bringing me back as vividly as done so in the past. well, “past” being about a month ago more or less but i really don’t want to forget.

i think that’s one of my biggest fears- forgetting things. not just only happy things really but everything. things that make me laugh, puke scream, hurt. i want to remember it all.

i’m way too sentimental for my own sake, hah.