i suppose i’m a rather simple creature sometimes. i had a lovely night of cutting random things out and taping them to my wall. i now have snowflakes on my window and a few new inspirational post-it notes above my bed. my table is lined with color changing lights and the scent of evergreen with a mix of melting cinnamon candle is dissolving thinly into the air.

mmmm, it’s that warm seasonal comfort<3
i lovelovelove the holidays!

it’s snowing :)

right now, shakespeare is not speaking to me. only in the sort of words that capture a moment by trying to incorporate everything that came behind it. 

like instead of “my window was stuck,” he’s saying “my window was stuck just like my sophomore boyfriend who broke my heart had anticipated beforehand told me so on that cold rainy october morning, but instead of helping me set up a warm fireplace, he went to live with his orphaned cousin that morning in new orleans and left his father who never really hurt him, but made him believe he couldn’t be an artist, and he wanted to be an artist because he knew he couldn’t explain words without painting images onto a blank canvas, and the nights i spent kneeling by my bedside with an opened window with winter seeping in between my blankets were always just a breath too empty, and blah blah blah…”

all that in a sentence that could be as short as “my window was stuck.”

the thought of being required to take a class solely devoted to shakespeare in college really excites me. it’s brilliant and quite impossible actually… strangely entertaining. hmm, creative ambition, gorgeous lunacy(?)

i really want to make a scrapbook! i wandered michaels today and bought a whole load of scrapbooking supplies because.. well, just because. i like the feeling of having cool artsy stuff in my room even though it’d probably just all sit in a lonely heap in a far corner and collect dust until i figure out who i want to make one for.

dear alan,

i loved talking with you the last time we had coffee together at starbucks. it made me feel really nice, just knowing that you were there and that i could completely confide in you with anything. i think i was mostly scared to tell you what had happened because i didn’t know if you’d react to my situation negatively. i was scared of your judgment because there had been a while where i felt like it happened mostly because of my actions and even though i hadn’t initiated anything, i somehow indirectly influenced everything off track. i didn’t want you to believe that. i wrote a poem about it after everything happened and i really want you to read it so you can know a bit more about me and where i’m coming from with all of this. 

i needed your constructive criticism to remind myself i was still in control of my actions no matter how reckless i was being. i’d rather not be a corrupted recluse driving myself insane while denying my own morals. 

wow, so can you believe we’re seniors already? this time next year i can be anywhere from california to boston to philadelphia or anywhere in between. you’ll be right here in new york so chances are, we won’t see each other too often but i’m always just an instant message/phone call/bus ride away. college might get difficult sometimes but i believe in you and everything you want to do. whether it’s being a writer or a computer graphic major or conquering your fear of my chickens or saving the world, you can do anything (except maybe the chickens one haha!)

and i’ve also been thinking a lot about what you’ve been telling me, how you’re a bad writer and all. i remember speaking to a friend who was a good friend of darren’s who happened to be a published author and he told me something worth restating. he said that in order to be a writer, you have to like writing more than being loved. he went all into exactly what you needed to hear… about how “you’ll lose love, but you’ll always find it again. if you care about people and about the world, you will always find more love.”

he said it was wonderful to write, but also wonderful to care about social justice and how there needs to be a balance- you need to really exist in the world in order to write about the world… that if you want to make a difference, find the greatest minds of your generation, the ones who really want to effect change, and join them. give up everything, if necessary to grow with them. you’re going to change the world someday, but most importantly, find love in that too.

you will always find more love.
you will always find more love.
you will always find more love.

and you will find love in anything you do. just go find it and then work passionately to fulfill it. you have time. be risky. take the classes that you never thought you’d take. sign up for those latin ballroom dance classes, intern at a hospital, join the debate team. you might end up finding love where you least expected to.

and i tell you all the time but you are really such a great person and i whole heartily believe you’re going to find someone amazing one day. don’t worry about her. she’s out there and she’s doing just fine. this wait will be worth it in the end and when you finally do meet her, you’ll be ready to meet her. you’ll realize eventually that all those other girls who didn’t work out or broke your heart will either make you more sure that she’s the one or teach you something about who you really are inside- that there’s a real fighter in you.

you are a fighter. you are a fighter. you are a fighter. you are a fighter.

and remember, when you do find her, put 110% into everything you are doing and let her see that you’re so much more than just “some average guy.” make sure you like her more for what’s inside rather than what’s on the outside. when you do realize she’s the one, you’ll be spending a lot of time talking to her so you’ll learn to fall in love with her personality.

reminder: love talking to her as much as you love looking at her.

i know you’re scared but don’t ever be scared of what you want. i told you this before but don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. if your insides are screaming “go,” then go for it- whole heartedly and persistently. never doubt your dreams and don’t ever doubt yourself.

advice of the day: push!

and DON’T EVER DOUBT YOURSELF!

God never doubts you and he made you so you would be capable of doing everything and anything you set your mind to. there’s no such thing as something being too farfetched or impossible. He doesn’t give you things that you can’t handle so if it’s there in front of you, God expects you to walk around the situation and look to Him for advice along the way. i went to a revival recently and there was a skit about a boy being chiseled away by God so he could become God’s original, perfect masterpiece. a lot of things were being chiseled like greed, lust, jealously, etc… but as for the moral of the skit: we are all God’s original masterpiece.

and YOU are God’s original masterpiece.

i’m going to write that in a post-it note, stick it to your mirror, and make you read it aloud to yourself each morning when you rise. each time you speak the words, you will be filled with a new sense of being and every day you will draw closer to Him.

sometimes i feel like if i could just fill myself up with enough positive thoughts, i might just be able to float away with the wind. i’d eventually be carried away to some remote land in the clouds, where things make sense and are bright and vivid. i’ll drink tea while riding the giant teacups and men will lift their hats and say, “good day”, and women will smile, and nobody will whisper secretive things and people will know me inside out.

you can come too! we’ll ride teacups together!

hahahha sorry, i lost what i was saying. nothing makes sense to me at 3am anymore. there’s never anything realistic about this hour.

there’s still so much i want to say but i’ll be seeing you next week so i should save some conversation, right? not that we ever run our of things to say to each other.

by the way, something broke my heart today and in a way it was really comforting/self reviving/closuring for me. i think i’m finally getting over some things. everything’s shifting and i can’t really tell if it’s for the better just yet. at least things are changing though, right? change is always good.

haaa, today marks the end of an era. 

anyway, i can’t wait to see you! i hope you’re having a wonderful week and a soon-to-come great weekend! 

-gracezhang

ahhhhhhhh! HYJ&^kjhbkj(&JJHdK*&,hjm,nb,hjukyfrdsdfghgftdshtdfkjhkjka

wooosdjugskdjgsdg!!!!!!

akhusfkajsf%&nkjbvyajkknjbvhjb$%^kjugi;lk*&^%&kajsnhkjaso6(*&5a*
JdklnnjbhvcfgxchvjbklnmjhvghgxrdytufagklsfnabvhjasbvhabjkshfbajkshG%

translation:

“ahhhhhhh! today, i came home and there was an egg in the chicken coop! (wooosdjugskdjgsdg = happy noises) it wasn’t intentionally placed there meaning that it either fell from the sky OR a chicken must have laid it!! and i’m kind of maybe leaning more towards the second possibility. joyous be the day!” 

my mom hinted that she wanted to eat it! -gasp-
i think i’d much rather watch the hatching process.

scratch that… it’s not even debatable. i’d definitely much rather.

i want to walk the brooklyn bridge.

today has been good.

amazing. dazzling. glittering. sparkling. gleaming. stunning. wonderful-ing. (more pretty adjectives + ‘ing.’)

lovely city day with brianna = two baskets (trays?) of xiao lon bao, pinkberry is finally cheap, a ONE DOLLAR BOOK SALE!!!!!!!!! i didn’t get to buy anything though because we had to run for the ferry but skimming through one dollar books felt rather… hmm, i can’t think of a word. (synonm for a cross between ‘amazing’ and ‘need to buy but can’t buy, ahh ferry! damn..’)   

so anyway, some conversation with brianna today made me realize that i don’t want anything to do with the law field anymore. i think if i had to hear about a selfish old women suing places like mcdonalds for not cautioning their obviously hot coffee out of her own stupidity as a living, i’d just simply go insane. either that or i’d probably begin to hate the human race altogether at some point or another for our selfish nature and then go on to live in a cave as a recluse. i’d then attempt to take on a simple lifestyle and sit in the midst of nature for hours each day just taking everything in and striving to reach some state or absolute peace/awakening…

haha i’m totally kidding but if i were actually that pessimistic about every career out there, i’d probably end up wiping tables at a chinese restaurant eventually… or worse, serve ice cream for the rest of my pathetic life. oh man, that thought really plagues me.

but really… i have absolutely no idea what i want to do with my life and that’s kind of unsettling scary for me.

i applied to most of my colleges as an undecided major so i guess that’s good? i’m planning to take a whole load of random classes with really different concentrations that interest me my freshmen year. i think i’m just going to be really bold and see where i find my interest.

and hopefully i do?

i wish i was good with numbers… i think i’ve been more of a letters person for as long as i can remember. math just doesn’t come to me naturally and that’s kind of disgraceful coming from a family of mathematical intellectuals. i’ve always believed that numbers got people far in life. there are so many mathematical associated options out there: business, architecture, engineering, etc.

and if i were anything at all even okay with science, i’d definitely consider pursuing something in the medical field. except maybe not a scientist itself because i can’t fully comprehend the idea of studying my whole life just devoting my hours contributing timelessly to science. i think it’s the moment of discovery that scientists live for. they must find some kind of unexplainable bliss in finding subtle answers for that one single idea that they support and believe in wholeheartedly. thinking about it now, that’s awfully admirable but i can’t ever see myself doing something like that. it’s not even open to discussion.

hmm, maybe it’s not about what i’m good at already but about my passion instead. even if it means i find passion where i’ll be challenging myself all the time, i think i’d still go for it if i were ever that certain about one thing. finding passion and then passionately fulfilling it- that’s what i need to do. i’ll find it in time.

at least i still know what i love. and love cures people, eh?

i feel like i’ve realized something, though i don’t exactly know what it is yet.

i am so relieved.

i lack inspiration and without inspiration, i’m inactive… or maybe vice versa?

today’s most exciting event was when i made rice and it happened to be the perfect balance between rice and water. my mom loved it!!

i am now the official rice cooker of the sun family.

plus, my schedule is now sectioned off and balanced very manageably.

thumbs up to that also! thumbs up to balance. rice and schedule wise.

oh yesyes, and i now cordially welcome jonathan lee to the wonderful world of tumblr. your blog made me smile. thank you!

how i like:

(tagging: alan, brianna, alison, simon, cheryl, christina)

1. weather - rain, snow, precipitation, intense fog, loud thunderstorms. anything unusual.
2. eggs - in a basket, painted.
3. sex - with love and after marriage.
4. parties - full of laughter, conversation, and interesting people.
5. hair - dark, long enough to rock artistically messy.
6. dates - single, reckless, out of the ordinary :)
7. kisses - like conversations.
8. cars - if it runs, it’s good.
9. music - the kind that isn’t downgrading for women. i like songs that make me glad to be where i am, with whoever i’m there with. music that brings me somewhere familiar and comforting.
10. bed - lots of blankets, lots of pillows.
11. dream significant other - i have yet to meet him.
12. airplane seat - window, definitely. if someone must be next to me, let them be interesting and conversational.
13. career - anything away from being a scientist.
14. porn - when i don’t see it.
15. drummers - pretty attractive. same goes for dancers. dancing drummers are just unmentionable.
16. pizza - anything with broccoli on it. except not onions.
17. soup - chicken corn chowder, chicken noodle, broccoli cheese, something mushroomy.
18. vegetables - asparagus, string beans, broccoli (in descending order)
19. sushi - awfully fun to make. better to eat.
20. video games - the only one i ever have a chance at winning is smash brothers.
21. chicken - mama-style.
22. milk - chocolate, strawberry, or soy.
23. humor - is necessary. all kinds except maybe sexual. crude gets old faster than most for me.
24. ice cream - LOVE. especially anything chocolate based and with brownies. almonds are debatable but at selected places. same goes for pineapples but i hate when the juice from the pineapples make the ice cream soft.
25. grind - except when it begins to resemble dry sex.
26. dirty talk - DISGUSTING. the most disgust of all disgustings in the disgusting category.
27. cuddling - i actually cuddled for the first time 3 days ago. i loved it!! i never thought i’d be the cuddling type. hmmm…
28. bagels - toasted egg bagel, with vegetable cream cheese.
29. snacks - involving cheese or chocolate or fruit.
30. snapple - apple or peach iced tea.
31. fries - peruvian style, bowling alley curly style, soggy style.
32. animal - penguins, koalas, sea turtles.
33. attraction - when it’s for more than just physical factors.
34. walks - around the neighborhood, odd hours of the night, quiet, cool air, preferably with no company.
35. women - non subordinate.

i have this concern that if i didn’t push you away, that if i told you, you could stay, you would never leave. that really scares me a lot more than you probably know.

i don’t know how much longer i can tell you to leave. maybe i’ll eventually stop altogether. i can’t let that happen. it feels so wrong.

i’ve been doing a lot of wrong things lately. some of which make me feel really guilty… but i can’t seem to stop. i guess this must be what guilty pleasure is all about, huh. or is that something else? i don’t know. i just know i shouldn’t be doing this whether it’s a so called “guilty pleasure” or not.

hurting.

but with that said, i’m not going to write a heartbreaking poem or a depressing entry tonight.

i think i’ve learned to accept certain things as they come now. even if they seem so overwhelming or unbearable. but i appear to have chosen a good time to figure all this stuff out. 

i think my problem is that i keep forgetting how bound i am to a specific place and time. right now, today, i keep focusing on things that shouldn’t even bother me. that probably wouldn’t have bothered me if certain things didn’t happen. or if certain words weren’t said. i think those things really grow on me and i depend on them to be meaningful. maybe because it means a lot more to me than just a friendship excuse for other’s judgment. i’m too concerned about being the better one. or to know that i’m the better option or rather the only option. but time and people change, and that’s what i need to learn.

disappointment comes when we realize people change so drastically, so quickly that it can hurt. i think what i hate most is the fact that you were caught in the midst of a puzzled state and i liked that you were because that gave me a reason to believe what i felt was the better option. it’s not anyone’s fault but instead just consequences of the super concentrated life lessons i’ve receive in the past that broke me. i think it can make people bitter sometimes, make them lose hope, and change their character. i promised today that i’d never change. i’ve realized our relationship is way too great a thing to let anything come between it. it only kills me that i know i wont be content for a very long time because i’ll always be longing for more. i’ll just have to slowly learn how to be okay with what i have to deal with and hopefully learn a bit more about myself along the way. only things like getting through stuff like this will get me through more difficult situations and can only make me stronger.

this is beginning to sound like senior-year-me telling sophomore-year-me to be wise and to watch out for the pitfalls of youth. i wish i knew this then…. 

so! to avoid being disappointed or hurt… i don’t know, really. i dont think that can be entirely avoided, now that i think of it. it’ll happen no matter what happens or what ever descion i choose. i guess the only way i can completely avoid the hurt is entirely dependent upon myself- how i choose to attack pain.  i probably know far better than anyone does since i’m the one living through this experience. i’m not too sure at the moment what i’m supposed to do but when i find out, i’m calling a troop assemblage. we’re going to fight pain.

at any rate, there is a reason for all of this. if i ever forget the reason, just remember that there is one. remember that it makes sense too and that it’s for the better- even in your short term absence.

right now, everything feels comforting for me even if it remains unknown. i’m not really sure what to expect. sometimes, certain things happen and i don’t know whether or not to react positively of not. what i need is to remember a time when it did.. when i knew i had to be happy or had a reason to be. remember what made me insane, made me happy, fulfilled, and forget everything and everyone else. find that essential spark that once gave me spiritual calm and make the decisions that’ll bring me back to that specific time. as long as i can do that, i think i’ll be fine. i’m already fine.

by the way, not a word was left unspoken today. i’m really glad :)

you make me:

contradict myself
write about nonsense
abandoned castle
better
enchanted place
infatuated
specific
sea glass
broken
tragic happenings
the makings of a moment
potential emergency
prospective heartache
hate college
think
splinters and bruises that don’t matter
coldness and fire
want to control time
fly away
a door to the sea
greyscale
fight your lonliness
a quiet place
happy

you make me make lists of how you make me.

you make me so human.

i used to hate blogging about my not-so-good-days. mostly because i hated looking bad and remembering all those unhappy times where all the entries sounded so repetitive with the “i hate my life. eff this. eff that.” attitude. today, that’s what i’m writing about but only because it’s been bothering me a lot lately and i need to figure certain things out. i need to write.

here’s the obligatory: “today was such a terrible day.”

so i woke up feeling not so great about some things and quickly got ready for school. i ended up forgetting my phone at home and to top things off, alison and brianna weren’t even here today. i really wanted to talk about some things that have been bothering me and not having them there today was just seemed like the end of the world. then during lunch, a friend said something about me being really unfair with certain people and a situation and it got me really upset. after school when i got outside my front door, i realized i left my keys in my fairview bag and it’s still been sitting there since last night. of all days, my bathroom window had to be locked so i couldn’t even climb it. i decided to walk the ten minutes to the nearest library but only to find out that they were closed for the week for a new fire alarm installation. i remember the whole while, i just really wanted to call brianna and tell her what’s been going on and why i’m in the state i’m currently in. anyway, so i ended up walking to the new dorp library which was over an hour away but i wanted the time to think about some stuff. i’ve realized recently that walking generates a lot of answers for me but today kind of proved that idea wrong. i came up with nothing. i sat in the library for a good three hours reading a book about 21st century etiquette and writing all my confusion down on on a piece of paper. then the library closed and i came home to an empty parking lot. my mom still wasn’t home so i sat in the chicken coop for over an hour reading a post shakespearian session of othello on a little stool in the comfort of annoying chicken noises.

so during my combined walking time today, i thought a lot about what happened this past weekend and the more i think about it, the more it doesn’t make sense to me. or settle right with me. sometimes i really do think alison is right about her whole “fairview high” theory. it’s really starting to make sense to me now because it kind of justifies certain things and really puts things into perspective. maybe because it’s the only excuse i’ve found for myself and because it’s easier than searching for other reasons. i hate that i’ve now made it my excuse.

it’s kind of hard to explain because there’s some sorts of things i can’t put into words. then again, there are other sorts that seem too sacred for words. some of what happened in fairview was like that… but only in a special sentimental way which left me with a huge load of mixed feelings.

i guess i can’t really say anything after that.

fairview 2010!

fairview was nothing short of amazing. in the past 39 hours, i got no more than 5 hours of sleep in total and still, i have to say that my time there wasn’t quite enough. when is a last fairview experience ever long enough? i don’t know how to sum up my weekend in sentences.

things i loved:

the quiet sound of gloves clapping together
losing my voice screaming to campfire songs
namely, the forming potato song
i loved watching the sunrise during the ridge hike
making footprints on fresh fields of snow
the zipline zipping
roses and thorns (even though it’s always so heartbreaking)
i love mr. kane and all of his love!
cabin 5 and interracial roomies
the cabin dance party
i strangely liked breaking all of my fairview rules
i like that you like me
i loved the snow storm. seriously, fairview needs the snow to be that full blown out fairview experience
the night hike with pirate stories and the life savers
i loved the cookie making contest
and the tree lighting
and christmas caroling
and the deers
the food
especially since we had pineapples

things i didn’t like:

wet socks and cold feet
it was frustrating that cabin 5 never had toilet paper
i hated the geese poop
i hate that there’s an option

but to end this on a positive note, brianna got my little surprise scavenger hunt thing i left her and i made her shed tears of joy :)

i think that’s a first. wooooooooo, go grace!